Amazing people in my life

Thank you to all my friends and family for the flowers :)

Thank you to my mom who kept me busy and cleaned the house and made it cute :)

Thank you to all who have said so many kind words and kept us in your prayers. Needless to say, we survived midterm week!

OK

Article from LDS.org

Basically this describes everything I'm feeling. Although we were only about 2 months along, it still really hurts. There was a little one inside me. 

I think for every mother there is an instant bond. It's just hard to believe that I'm not pregnant anymore; there's nothing growing inside. I'm also mostly worried about Randy. Society believes that the husband isn't affected. But this was OUR baby. WE miscarried. I pray everyday that he will be ok. 

It's been AMAZING having my mom down here and helping out. She's helped me get out of the house and be productive. But I think I need a day to just not do anything. Just sit. 

"Generally, the grieving process moves slowly from shock and numbness, through searching and yearning, to disorientation and depression, and finally to acceptance and an ability to enjoy life without feeling guilty." (From above article.)

PERFECTLY describes everything.

I'm ok...but I'm not.

I'm happy...but I'm hurt and sad.

I'm focused...but my thoughts are all over the place.

It's all just a mixture. It's hard especially with the pressures of school and an upcoming amazingly hard test. I basically just want to crawl into a ball and escape everything. But again, at the same time, I want to conquer and do amazing things.

I'm sorry that I'm just throwing everything out there, but it helps and it's a part of my life. 

I feel like I just needed to share this. Lately, on Pandora, I've been listening to "Explosions in the Sky" radio. All instrumental, but not like classical music. I love it because with each song, I can make up my own story or interpret the song the way I see it. This one really hit me this week.

It basically explains (to me) exactly how I feel. The song starts out with the static-y noise. Then you hear the piano, but it's distant. That's how everything has just kind of been. Like I'm in my own world and I can see and hear things, but they are far and distant and I'm reaching or running towards it. By the time I get close, it ends.

Randy and I can't wait to start trying again. We know that we are at the right time in our lives to start our family and bring a little one into the world. We know that Heavenly Father gives us these trials to LEARN and to GROW. I know it helps that I have the knowledge of the Plan of Salvation and eternal families. Without it, I don't even want to begin to think of how I would be coping. Everything is just kind of a blur. But everything is OK. I've had the most comforting feelings.

The day after it happened, I was standing by the window, just feeling the suns rays and loving the sun on my face. My eyes were closed, but I could feel and even see the sun getting brighter and brighter and brighter. I opened my eyes to see if any clouds had moved out of the way because it felt like the sun was coming out from behind clouds. But there weren't any. I know that was Heavenly Father letting me know that all is well and he's aware of my sorrows. Knowing that makes everything better. :)

Goodbye.

WARNING-THIS POST CONTAINS KIND OF GRAPHIC DETAILS (BLOOD)

You've been warned.

Alright. So I've been going back in forth on whether or not I should blog about this. But I've decided that it's something that I shouldn't be ashamed of and that writing about it could be therapeutic. Also, I'm not writing this so that you all will feel bad for me. With all that said here it goes.

Sept. 18, 2011- I had just gotten home from visiting teaching and it was my 21st birthday. I was about a week overdue on my period so I thought just for kicks I'll take a pregnancy test. I'm somewhat unpredictable in the Aunt Flo department. So I took the test, and it came out POSITIVE! I was sooooo excited and couldn't wait to tell Randy and our families.

Oct. 5th, 2011-One more week until our 1st appointment. I was so exited to see and hear baby. I was 8 weeks pregnant and so far it had been really easy. No sickness really and just exhaustion and heartburn.

Oct. 10, 2011- I get home from work and change and notice blood. I fall to the ground and start bawling-heaving sobbing and plead with Heavenly Father that the baby is ok and that this is just light spotting from my uterus growing. I'm still bawling when Randy gets home from school and I tell him what's up. We pray and he gives me a blessing that me and baby will be ok. I'm 9 weeks. While he was giving me a blessing and while we prayed, we had a feeling of peace. That everything would be ok. We didn't know if that meant that baby was ok, or that we'd be ok if baby was gone. 

Oct. 11, 2011- I get up and the bleeding is worse, the cramping is worse. I skip school and lay in bed all day. By 1 pm, the cramping is to the menstrual cramping point and the blood is heavier. I'm panicking. So we head to the ER. After blood tests, urine test, two ultrasounds and 3 hours of waiting, they come in  to tell me that there is no baby and that they believed that I miscarried. The ultrasound tech couldn't find a baby and my cervix was open. The hormones were still high and we're going in tomorrow to make sure they're going down.

I was devastated. I was stoic when he told me, but as soon as he left, the waterworks were on. 

Why?? 

How??

These questions keep coming to my mind. I'm absolutely heartbroken. I really wanted this child and couldn't wait to see it today. My heart goes out to all those ladies that have lost a child in pregnancy. It's the worst. I just wanted to hold him/her. I just wanted to love him/her.

I can't wait for the millennium to see him/her. I can't wait to meet him/her and let him/her know how much I love them.

Maybe there was something wrong? Maybe my body just wasn't ready for this first one? Maybe he/she was too special to come to this crazy world. He/she is incredibly lucky to be back with our Heavenly Father and our Brother Jesus Christ.

I'm incredibly happy for those of my friends that are pregnant! It will be hard to see them grow and think that I would be at that stage too. But I have faith that all will work out. All I know is I can't wait to start trying to conceive again and have a little one inside me again. We're going in today to talk to my doctor and make sure everything is ok and ask him my questions and concerns.

Thanks to all my friends and family that have been so supportive and been a shoulder to cry on.