OK

Article from LDS.org

Basically this describes everything I'm feeling. Although we were only about 2 months along, it still really hurts. There was a little one inside me. 

I think for every mother there is an instant bond. It's just hard to believe that I'm not pregnant anymore; there's nothing growing inside. I'm also mostly worried about Randy. Society believes that the husband isn't affected. But this was OUR baby. WE miscarried. I pray everyday that he will be ok. 

It's been AMAZING having my mom down here and helping out. She's helped me get out of the house and be productive. But I think I need a day to just not do anything. Just sit. 

"Generally, the grieving process moves slowly from shock and numbness, through searching and yearning, to disorientation and depression, and finally to acceptance and an ability to enjoy life without feeling guilty." (From above article.)

PERFECTLY describes everything.

I'm ok...but I'm not.

I'm happy...but I'm hurt and sad.

I'm focused...but my thoughts are all over the place.

It's all just a mixture. It's hard especially with the pressures of school and an upcoming amazingly hard test. I basically just want to crawl into a ball and escape everything. But again, at the same time, I want to conquer and do amazing things.

I'm sorry that I'm just throwing everything out there, but it helps and it's a part of my life. 

I feel like I just needed to share this. Lately, on Pandora, I've been listening to "Explosions in the Sky" radio. All instrumental, but not like classical music. I love it because with each song, I can make up my own story or interpret the song the way I see it. This one really hit me this week.

It basically explains (to me) exactly how I feel. The song starts out with the static-y noise. Then you hear the piano, but it's distant. That's how everything has just kind of been. Like I'm in my own world and I can see and hear things, but they are far and distant and I'm reaching or running towards it. By the time I get close, it ends.

Randy and I can't wait to start trying again. We know that we are at the right time in our lives to start our family and bring a little one into the world. We know that Heavenly Father gives us these trials to LEARN and to GROW. I know it helps that I have the knowledge of the Plan of Salvation and eternal families. Without it, I don't even want to begin to think of how I would be coping. Everything is just kind of a blur. But everything is OK. I've had the most comforting feelings.

The day after it happened, I was standing by the window, just feeling the suns rays and loving the sun on my face. My eyes were closed, but I could feel and even see the sun getting brighter and brighter and brighter. I opened my eyes to see if any clouds had moved out of the way because it felt like the sun was coming out from behind clouds. But there weren't any. I know that was Heavenly Father letting me know that all is well and he's aware of my sorrows. Knowing that makes everything better. :)