So grateful for this last weekend. Randy and I have basically felt like we were in a limbo. We have finals this week, we just miscarried again, and trying to decide how to start this new year. Friday, we went to the temple to prepare for Stake Conference. It was so nice to be there and just feel the spirit. I felt like I wasn't so good at the paying attention part because the miscarriage was fresh on my mind. But it was just good to sit and feel the spirit. Just to sit in the temple and know all is well. Saturday we had the Adult session of conference. Elder M. Russell Ballard was presiding so that was so neat to have him there. I love that anytime an apostle or the prophet enters the room, immediate spirit. I learned a lot about having faith and turning your troubles and burdens over to the Lord. I feel so comforted in the decisions I've made since this weekend...I know it's only Monday, but a lot has happened. :) Hopefully finals turn out well and we'll just be able to relax. That's what I need most right now. Can't wait to see friends and family at home and celebrate this christmas season.
In reflection over this year, I can only say just how grateful I am for all we've been blessed with. I have grown so much I feel just in the last 6 months with all that's happened. You have to love adulthood and the responsibilities and challenges it brings. But with God, all things are possible. We are so grateful for family and all they do for us. We love our neighbors and learning to love the ward we're in and those who bless us.
We wish you all a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!
Well I guess you all need an update. We miscarried....again. But we will be going in to see what we can do to keep our next pregnancy a permanent one! Thank you for all your prayers and support :)
School is good. Almost over..and I can tell because my attention span is declining hardcore.
That flu bug that's been going around....ya...we had it.
We started our own business with ACN and we offer you the services you already use like dishTV, comcast, verizon, sprint, etc. TV, Internet, cell phones, home phones. So if you need a new subscription, come to us and support us and our business instead of corporate america! ;)
Thanksgiving was grand. We went to Idaho and saw my family and spent Thanksgiving with Randy's family in Island Park. He loved the sledding!!
We had our own little Thanksgiving with my family on sunday...
Wanna hear the sucky part...
I couldn't dig in like past years and eat like it was my last meal on this earth.
Why you ask?
I was just feeling really sick and stuff...because I'm pregnant again!
WHOOHOO!
Can I just let you in on a secret (that's probably not a secret and so obvious to the world?)-I'm so terrified of the possibility of miscarrying again. This one feels a little different though so we'll see.
But I was thinking about how I didn't tell anyone the last time because I was afraid of miscarrying. And I think it's silly.
I wish those around me knew I was pregnant and then miscarried. I think it would have made things a little easier. But I was ASHAMED. Miscarriage is nothing to be ashamed of. YOU did nothing. YOU are not an unfit mother. It just happened-probably for the benefit of all. And talking about it afterwards actually really helped me. It may not help others, but it helped me and helped to have the sympathy of others.
So I'm telling the world. And if it happens again, I'll have my friends and family behind me.
I thank God everyday for the blessing and pray for the best...will you???
Basically this describes everything I'm feeling. Although we were only about 2 months along, it still really hurts. There was a little one inside me.
I think for every mother there is an instant bond. It's just hard to believe that I'm not pregnant anymore; there's nothing growing inside. I'm also mostly worried about Randy. Society believes that the husband isn't affected. But this was OUR baby. WE miscarried. I pray everyday that he will be ok.
It's been AMAZING having my mom down here and helping out. She's helped me get out of the house and be productive. But I think I need a day to just not do anything. Just sit.
"Generally, the grieving process moves slowly from shock and numbness, through searching and yearning, to disorientation and depression, and finally to acceptance and an ability to enjoy life without feeling guilty." (From above article.)
PERFECTLY describes everything.
I'm ok...but I'm not.
I'm happy...but I'm hurt and sad.
I'm focused...but my thoughts are all over the place.
It's all just a mixture. It's hard especially with the pressures of school and an upcoming amazingly hard test. I basically just want to crawl into a ball and escape everything. But again, at the same time, I want to conquer and do amazing things.
I'm sorry that I'm just throwing everything out there, but it helps and it's a part of my life.
I feel like I just needed to share this. Lately, on Pandora, I've been listening to "Explosions in the Sky" radio. All instrumental, but not like classical music. I love it because with each song, I can make up my own story or interpret the song the way I see it. This one really hit me this week.
It basically explains (to me) exactly how I feel. The song starts out with the static-y noise. Then you hear the piano, but it's distant. That's how everything has just kind of been. Like I'm in my own world and I can see and hear things, but they are far and distant and I'm reaching or running towards it. By the time I get close, it ends.
Randy and I can't wait to start trying again. We know that we are at the right time in our lives to start our family and bring a little one into the world. We know that Heavenly Father gives us these trials to LEARN and to GROW. I know it helps that I have the knowledge of the Plan of Salvation and eternal families. Without it, I don't even want to begin to think of how I would be coping. Everything is just kind of a blur. But everything is OK. I've had the most comforting feelings.
The day after it happened, I was standing by the window, just feeling the suns rays and loving the sun on my face. My eyes were closed, but I could feel and even see the sun getting brighter and brighter and brighter. I opened my eyes to see if any clouds had moved out of the way because it felt like the sun was coming out from behind clouds. But there weren't any. I know that was Heavenly Father letting me know that all is well and he's aware of my sorrows. Knowing that makes everything better. :)
WARNING-THIS POST CONTAINS KIND OF GRAPHIC DETAILS (BLOOD)
You've been warned.
Alright. So I've been going back in forth on whether or not I should blog about this. But I've decided that it's something that I shouldn't be ashamed of and that writing about it could be therapeutic. Also, I'm not writing this so that you all will feel bad for me. With all that said here it goes.
Sept. 18, 2011- I had just gotten home from visiting teaching and it was my 21st birthday. I was about a week overdue on my period so I thought just for kicks I'll take a pregnancy test. I'm somewhat unpredictable in the Aunt Flo department. So I took the test, and it came out POSITIVE! I was sooooo excited and couldn't wait to tell Randy and our families.
Oct. 5th, 2011-One more week until our 1st appointment. I was so exited to see and hear baby. I was 8 weeks pregnant and so far it had been really easy. No sickness really and just exhaustion and heartburn.
Oct. 10, 2011- I get home from work and change and notice blood. I fall to the ground and start bawling-heaving sobbing and plead with Heavenly Father that the baby is ok and that this is just light spotting from my uterus growing. I'm still bawling when Randy gets home from school and I tell him what's up. We pray and he gives me a blessing that me and baby will be ok. I'm 9 weeks. While he was giving me a blessing and while we prayed, we had a feeling of peace. That everything would be ok. We didn't know if that meant that baby was ok, or that we'd be ok if baby was gone.
Oct. 11, 2011- I get up and the bleeding is worse, the cramping is worse. I skip school and lay in bed all day. By 1 pm, the cramping is to the menstrual cramping point and the blood is heavier. I'm panicking. So we head to the ER. After blood tests, urine test, two ultrasounds and 3 hours of waiting, they come in to tell me that there is no baby and that they believed that I miscarried. The ultrasound tech couldn't find a baby and my cervix was open. The hormones were still high and we're going in tomorrow to make sure they're going down.
I was devastated. I was stoic when he told me, but as soon as he left, the waterworks were on.
Why??
How??
These questions keep coming to my mind. I'm absolutely heartbroken. I really wanted this child and couldn't wait to see it today. My heart goes out to all those ladies that have lost a child in pregnancy. It's the worst. I just wanted to hold him/her. I just wanted to love him/her.
I can't wait for the millennium to see him/her. I can't wait to meet him/her and let him/her know how much I love them.
Maybe there was something wrong? Maybe my body just wasn't ready for this first one? Maybe he/she was too special to come to this crazy world. He/she is incredibly lucky to be back with our Heavenly Father and our Brother Jesus Christ.
I'm incredibly happy for those of my friends that are pregnant! It will be hard to see them grow and think that I would be at that stage too. But I have faith that all will work out. All I know is I can't wait to start trying to conceive again and have a little one inside me again. We're going in today to talk to my doctor and make sure everything is ok and ask him my questions and concerns.
Thanks to all my friends and family that have been so supportive and been a shoulder to cry on.
I will never forget the day that I saw an Oompa Loompa at BYU-Idaho. I was studying on the second floor of the library which is the quiet floor. No talking allowed!
Out of the corner of my eye I see something darting around.
It was an Oompa Loompa. No freaking joke. It was around Halloween and he was just running around doing cartwheels and jumping out of places. It took everything I had not to laugh out loud. When I laugh out loud, it's a loud blurt and it's hard to keep in.
I'll just give you a little summary of the last month!
1) We went to Idaho for 2 1/2 weeks. So grateful for Zupas and them letting me go! We spent time in Yellowstone, Island Park and Shelley. We took lots of pictures and rented a really nice lens to do that with :) We went boating and watched football. We saw friends and celebrated weddings and people in love. Including us! We celebrated our 1st anniversary! Woot Woot!
I loved catching up with friends that we miss so much.
1. Ali and Chase.
LOVE THEM. I swear that Ali and I are twins switched at birth...that look nothing alike. I really just love being around her and talking about everything. Miss her a lot.
2. Kallie and Dusty.
Dusty is a new friend, but Kallie loves him...so we do too! hahaha no he's a great guy. We went to their wedding, luncheon and reception and when he was talking about them and their relationship leading up to marriage, I got all choked up and warm fuzzy inside. He's a great guy for her! Miss Kallie looked GORGEOUS on her wedding day. DANG GINA!
3. Kassidy and Cody.
SO glad they're getting married and can't wait to go celebrate that with them this weekend. I went to Kass' bridal shower while we were up there and it was so much fun to just sit and chat and talk about the life she is about to embark on! Good times ;)
4. Ty and Natalie.
Can I just say that I love this couple. They are so in love and it's so fun to see. Ty is one of Randy's mission companions. And Natalie is so fun. I hope to become closer to her in the future.
2) School started. Yuck. I haven't been back for a whole year and I was SOOOOO scared for my first day. Because Satan is a bully and put scary thoughts in my head :( But Randy gave me a blessing and all went well. The transition from play to work and school was a smooth one. I'm doing photography and loving the classes. Lots of memorization and thinking though. Dang Art Degree :P
Basically that is it...If I gave you a detailed summary, we'd be here til the world ends (which according to the mayans is real soon, so thank me that you won't be stuck here when that rolls around! :) )
Yesterday wasn't a very good day. I woke up feeling way crappy and with sharp pains in my stomach. I'm usually nauseous every morning anyway, so I didn't think much of it. (NO I'M NOT PREGNANT.)
Work was not fun. All I wanted to do was go home and curl up in bed. But I got off an hour early and slept, kinda. Then Randy got home and was making sure I was alright and bringing me stuff anytime I demanded asked for it. He really is the best. But it was just getting worse and worse to the point I was just laying on the bathroom floor, ready for anything to happen. I was so weak and my stomach hurt so bad. So I asked Randy to give me a blessing. He asked our neighbor to come over (p.s. thank you SO much Mark) and they gave me a blessing. I just wanted it to be over with. So after the blessing, I went up to camp out by the toilet again and not less than 60 seconds after the blessing was over, I was throwing up (sorry...TMI???) ferociously. And my husband says I sound like a man....I can't help that! I'm just heaving!! So after a good minute of that, no kidding, my stomach ache was gone and my belly just wanted food.
How freakin' awesome is that. Even though I probably would have just liked my stomach to cease churning and rumbling, God let that bug out of my body fast and I felt so much better. It was the coolest thing..maybe just to me? Who knows. All I know is that the priesthood is so powerful and we need to ask for those blessings more often. I'm so grateful for my husband who was able to bless me and for him and mark being worthy enough to hold and use that power. SO COOL!
Well in other news. I've kind of put my photography on hold. I want to be more familiar with my camera and other things before I start charging people. If that makes sense. I start school soon and who knows, maybe I'll start shooting again. But I still love it. I just want to be the best I can be for the people that are trusting me to do this. But I did kayrevamp the blog...take a looksy???? http://kayleighsearlephoto.blogspot.com/
7 days until our 18 day vacay in Idaho+Anniversary+Friends and Family. So excited!
Alrighty.... This post is a long time coming. I've been meaning to update for lets see...forever...
I just haven't found the time...or allowed myself too with so much other things to do.
Lets start with June..
Cara's wedding-
Randy's cousin Cara got married the very beginning of June and I had the privilege to take the pictures! She was most beautiful and it was my very first time attending a temple marriage since I've been married. It was excellent to relive those memories!
Then it was off to Park City with Randy's extended family to get to know each other better and have LOADS of fun! We stayed in a nice resort, fine dined, shopped, swam, relaxed, and played hard! Especially on the Alpine Slide, Alpine Coaster and Zipline. (Refer to post below...)
Then...basically nothing really fun that I can remember, but you can't really trust this brain of mine...get's jumbled!
July-
July 4th was amazing. Originally my family was supposed to come down but they "eh-hem flaked eh-hem" couldn't come. They decided to do it the good old Idaho Falls way. Nothing wrong with that at all! But let me back track. So the 2nd of July was the Stadium of Fire when basically all of Provo gets together and watches fireworks-We went to Transformers then watched them from the roof of our house. Holidays get less and less exciting the older you get.
But the 4th was grand! We hung out with our neighbors on University Ave. (where the parade was going to be held the next morning.) It was crazy fun. Just chatting with neighbors and getting to know them better. Randy and I also took part in a raffle and I won a $50 gift card to a day spa and salon...wondering what I'd ever use there! :)
We also got a big surprise!
My bishop pulled up on a beast of a bike! It was so beautiful and I was so surprised to see him on it!
My 4th of July shoes :)
We rode bikes basically the whole weekend....
Yes sir he does!
"NO"bama
So I guess it's cool in Utah for all the runners up to get the same dress...personally...I think it's lame.
LOVE^^^^
YOU
CAN
RENT
THESE COSTUMES!!! Yes please!?!?!
They got the most applause...
As they should :)
Little pageant girls...gag me....
It was a great night. We stayed out way too late and got up way too early!
We went to 7 Peaks after the parade and it was not even crowded-it was a great 4th of July!
Lets see-
Work has been great! Working a lot!
We recently took a trip to Idaho-I shot rifles and shot guns...And loved it. My husband says to me, "Welcome to country life."
LOVE IT.
We've just planned out our 18 day vacay to Idaho in August. We will be celebrating our 1st Anniversary! Can you believe it?!?!
We can't wait to go to Island Park, Yellowstone, the Playmill, see our friends get sealed for Time and all Eternity, and relax :)
I went Visiting Teaching this morning and the lesson was on Self Reliance. Now the first thought that came to my mind when I saw that was canning and food storage. But it is so much more than that. It's being able to care for others, emotionally and physically. It's being able to help and serve other. It's about being able to be grateful for what you have and work for what you don't.
I'm just so grateful for the things that I have. I can't believe how selfish and whiney I was about this house. It is so beautiful and we're so lucky to have it. I'm warm and have a place to rest my head.
I have a husband who works so hard to provide and to get a good education so he can provide for us.
I'm grateful for my talents. :) We talked about it today and I just kept thinking how grateful I am for my piano, photography, dance and many others. I just hope to not lose them. I need to find outlets to express and practice my talents.
I'm grateful for Randy's family. This week we went to Park City and it was so fun! We met in Salt Lake City In a cute place called Buca di Beppo. It had the cutest atmosphere with all these old pictures and vintage items.
We were in the Pope's room. Basically it's a big round room with a dome ceiling so that you can hear everyone, even those across the HUGE table. This was in the middle on a lazy susan. They have the lazy susan so you can order big platters and share it with everyone. Genius and so fun! :)
Don't judge me....but the next photos were all in the bathroom. Yes, they all thought I was weird and probably a perve for bringing my camera in, but seriously, this was just too awesome to not take pictures.
Full on "medicine" cabinet with all things vintage feminine.
Yes....this floored me. That says PLACENTA...ya...
Ya me too ^ :)
sick. but awesome.
So then we went to Park City and checked into the resort. It was amazing and roomy and so nice except for one thing....
ANTS!
Pretty funny, but gave me the willies. The front desk was appalled, but they couldn't change us to another room because they were booked. So they came and sprayed.
They had a steam shower and a huge jet tub. Also, my favorite part was the "Adult Relaxation Pool." Um one word. AMAZING. Nice big shallow pool, bathwater warm with a waterfall. So nice to just sit in there and relax. Then of course a jacuzzi, steam room, and sauna. Most excellent.
Then, we went to Park City Resort where they have an Alpine Coaster, An Alpine Slide and a Zipline. SO FUN!
Alpine Slide.
You're on a little cart and you're in charge of the brakes, in between your legs and you can choose how fast you go.
Alpine Coaster.
This one I refused to hit the brakes and I was hauling. It's so fun and it was all of our favorite! (That doesn't make sense, basically we all loved it.)
Then the Zipline was just a straight shot down the mountain. It was scary sitting up there and waiting but it was so exhilarating. I loved it!
Then we just relaxed and had fun. The next day we shopped for a LONG time and I got alot of stuff for Randy because he really needed light colored shirts for the summer and I got the cutest Owl necklace. Love it.
Seriously this weekend was so fun. The food was great, the company was fantastic and the fun was unforgettable. It was nice to have a vacation but I'm so glad I'm done traveling for a while, it takes alot out of a person. Especially living out of a suitcase.
But it was so fun.
I'm so glad I was able to get to know Randy's family better and have fun with them. His Grandma is a HOOT! She always makes me smile :)
So...I'm sure you've forgotten by now, but we did finish our house. We just have some hanging up to do and painting the lighting fixtures, but it looks TEN times better! Things are still a little messy, but that's just from day to day living.
Here's some during pictures...basically guys, it was not fun. Basically the devils kingdom is the best way I can explain it. I was just not happy and it was so jumbled and messy.
Here it goes!
Funny story. I had to shower at the neighbors house because the toilets were in the bathtubs....good times :)
Ya the tall ceilings were not fun....that ladder terrified me...
Click to read small print
Can I just say how GLAD I am that it's all over???
